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  • Friday, January 14, 2000

    Money Talks, Tyson fights

    By MICHAEL TALBOT -- SLAM! Boxing
     Somewhere in Britain.
     
     "I would like to address the Mr. Tyson situation," said Mr. Influence.
     
     "Mr. Tyson is a criminal. A convicted rapist. A man who has chewed off an opponent's ear and spit it out for the world to see. He's beaten up two helpless motorists. He's a thoroughly, unsavoury character if I do say so myself. We would be perfectly justified under Britsh law if we did not allow him to enter our country."
     
     The room was silent. He continued. "However, it has been brought to my attention that many people stand to gain from his fighting here in our country."
     
     Out of nowhere, a voice emerged from the back of the room, roaring, begging to be noticed.
     
     "Excuse me! Please, Listen to me! My name is Mrs. Opportunist and I am running for mayor. I speak for the decent people, the ones who vote, when I say that we must get tough and take a stand. We need someone to step forth and show leadership and this is a great chance to show the world that we won't stand for criminals... if I am elected. Go home Mike Tyson!" said Mrs. Opportunist, before rushing into the crowd to shake hands and spread her name and fine intentions.
     
     "Well, so there we have it," said Mr.Influence, "Maybe Mrs. Opportunist is right. We don't need this beastly character here now do we?"
     
     Suddenly another voice emerged, "I am Mr. Promoter."
     
     The crowd began to buzz.
     
     "Mr. Tyson has served his time. Personally, I have no interest in this fight other than it being a platform with which we can exhibit the wonders of humanity, the power of forgiveness and the fine ability of one-time criminals to change and do right. In the name of jusitce, we must not punish this man forever. He is not an animal, but a person, a fine man who can make me millions... excuse me... make millions of believers out of us all. Let him fight! Tyson vs. Francis, Jan 29th."
     
     A man in work boots and a heavy jacket stood up.
     
     "My name is Mr. Regular Joe. We want blood!" The crowd erupted and Mr. Influence was forced to calm them. "Now, now," he lectured them, "We musn't act like a bunch of fools at a circus side show. This is about law and order and the question remains, 'Should Mike Tyson, a criminal who has spent considerable time behind bars, enter our fine country?'"
     
     A chain smoking, stressed-out-looking man with large bags under his eyes was next, "I am Mr. Businessman. I have already printed up 10,000 fight shirts which I hoped to sell that night. To be honest, I couldn't give a darn about none of what you're all talking about because if I lose that money my family won't eat."
     
     Everyone collectively nodded.
     
     "Wait! People, don't you see, we musn't treat Mr. Tyson differently just because he is an infamous man," said Mrs. Opportunist back from her rounds of handshaking and white-toothed smiles, "If we do, we will have done the wrong thing and all the decent, hard-working people, who vote, will look in that mirror and be ashamed."
     
     Everyone bowed in shame except Mr. Regular Joe who jumped to his feet and hollared, "Fight! Fight!"
     
     The people roared with excitment.
     
     Mrs. Opportunist threw up her hands in disgust.
     
     "I'm still not certain," said Mr. Influence.
     
     A door swung open and everyone turned to see who had swung it.
     
     It was Mr. Money Talks. He walked, looking straight ahead, right up to Mr. Influence and whispered into his ear. Mr. Influence smiled.
     
     Tyson vs. Francis. January 29th, Manchester.



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